Walking barefoot 🍃

( Let go every now and again )
27 weeks

Another week down. A lot of emotions rushing around  my mind and body this week. On Friday I will be another week closer to holding my baby because on Friday I will be 28 weeks. That’s right… 12 weeks till due date! The weeks are flying past us now. After months of wishing them away at first .. “I can’t wait untill the 12 week scan! I can’t wait till I look properly pregnant! I can’t wait until I can start buying baby bits without it seeming to early! I can’t wait till the 20 week scan! I can’t wait to show off my bump! I can’t wait until my baby shower! I can’t wait untill the birth! I can’t wait to hold him!” It’s now almost 12 weeks away and I am starting to almost realise that we will have a baby living with us shortly. Obviously I am fully aware I’m pregnant and have been aware of the end game.. the end result ..A Baby but it’s as if it has just hit me that I won’t be pregnant much longer and that’s it. He’ll be here. Our new chapter. Our new start. A family of four. A tiny little baby will be here .. were all so excited , the extent of my nesting screams there’s a baby coming. But I am so going to miss my bump. The feeling of him moving around inside , giving me little kicks and punches. The feeling of life inside my tummy , that underneath my skin is a little soul cooking away preparing for his adventures in the big wide world in less then three months time.

Milestones

So today … We put the cot up! This is a massive milestone. For me anyway. I bought it a while ago and it is a little bit of a materialistic buy but who cares. I’m allowed to splash out if I want to. I never got to do it with my first as I just wasn’t financially stable enough. So today after a morning of relaxing after sending my child off to school. I waited for my partner to arrive home from work so we could put it up together. It wasn’t because I wanted it to be a couple’s activity or anything , I literally could not get it from the utility room to the hallway let alone up the stairs and into the bedroom. It is so heavy I would of just broke an arm or a leg or gone into labour. We opted for a Grand Silver Cross Camberwell Cott .. a little expensive but worth it , and when my baby gets bigger this magical cot turns into a toddler bed. A multitasking cot! Love it! The wood is so beautiful.. thick heavy pure oak. I’ve never seen such a beautiful cot. I sound a little unhinged.. getting so excited and star struck over a cot .. but it’s so beautiful! Hormones hello!!!! However .. when I purchased it I didn’t look at measurements or anything like that and just assumed it would be a normal standard size cot .. nope. It’s the size of my four year olds single bed. I can fit inside this cot if I wanted to and so could my partner if he curled up to sleep and we are 5ft6″ and 6ft3″ so a little bigger then expected but one hell of a cot. Another milestone this week was we finally swapped the bedrooms around! After much painting in the small bedroom (Our old room) it’s now a beautiful light duck egg colour filled with my son’s toys, books and more so they have a lovely little playroom to spend their time in, a TV so they can have a movie corner .. all I need to buy now is a beanbag or two for them and some nice blue curtians. Our now bedroom (The big room) still has work to be done to it. The walls need replastering as does the ceiling. Then they need painting, oak shelves need to go up to match the new chest of draws and cot , plus new curtians and maybe a canvas or two. Then we are done! So still a little way to go. But im Confident it will be ready for my baby’s arrival. Still, we have finally swapped the rooms around and that itself is a real milestone. Each day I get a new delivery for my baby. Ive done the majority of my baby shopping online. So the post lady literally hates me at the moment.. she is very busy with all of my orders. I’ve never been so organized in all my life with anything and I still have just under three months left. I’m so proud of myself it’s almost funny. I don’t self praise often but damn I’m good. I’ve done so well this time around, planning , sorting , organising.. I love it! You go girl.. but as much as I absolutely love being this organized.. the thing is there is always something on my mind… I’m always occupied. Thinking about things I’ve still to do.. things I’ve still to get … My brain constantly on the go. Never turning off. I forget to switch off and take a minute sometimes. I think sometimes I may be spending to much time preparing for three months time and after, I’m not experiencing much of the now. What’s going on now. Always preparing.

A moan ..

As in all my posts I’ve got to fit in a little space for a moan.. a symptom that’s particularly bothering me or a struggle I’m dealing with in this week of my pregnancy and I’ve descovered the past month or two that heat and pregnancy are not a match. The weather is absolutely beautiful this year and we’re lucky to have such warm days .. after all this is Cornwall. But I’ve never been pregnant in the summer before ! And this is an absolute struggle. With my first child I was pregnant until may and I can’t remember “summer weather” hitting us that early in 2015 .. so I was fine then. But this time around I am dying. These “episodes” of mine especially don’t mix with hot weather ! Most days I am sitting here struggling to breathe and I’m not even doing anything! I’ll be sat watching TV having a cup of tea and all of a sudden I’ll be sweating and so hot, the air feels stuffy and I struggle to breathe. I can feel my heart skipping beats , getting faster and faster trying to keep up while I fight to catch my breath but I can’t. This lasts ten mins max… But there was a day last week where I had 15 of these “episodes” in the space of an hour with five minutes or so in-between each one. I was in absolute tears ringing the midwife. But it’s just something I need to ride out. That or go to A&E they said .. I’ll just keep an eye on it. Night time is the worst. Even though it’s the end of the day and the temperature should start to cool IT DOESN’T.. all the windows will be open, the summer duvet on the bed .. I strip off completely. No clothes .. and I’m still soooo hot! I toss and turn in the night struggling to sleep because of it. But hey… There are bigger things going on in the world then my pregnancy and night time temperature of 20°c … But I still feel it needs to be moaned about. Some nights are cooler then others. Tonight for instance isn’t as bad as last night’s and there’s a slight breeze coming through the windows hitting my skin as I lie here writing this. Maybe I need to invest in a big ass fan ? Moan over.

Rivers and ripples

I could feel my emotions building and building the other morning … Overwhelming, feelings of frustration filled me up. I was ready to explode.. literally. My son was having a tizz about nothing the heat was getting to me quite literally. So I packed a bag with some juice and snacks escorted him out the house without making conversation. No idea where we were going at all. Walked round the corner and saw a bus coming.. he’s crying asking me where we were going … Why won’t I talk to him? I get out my bank card and we get on the bus. His face baffled.. “where are we going mum!!!” I pay the bus fee and we make our way upstairs to sit down. After a minute or two of little tears I pull myself together. I explain to him were going on an adventure. That we would see where the bus takes us and decide from there. By now he’s stopped crying and he’s sat up looking out the window babbling about the adventure yet to come. The bus stops in town and we get off .. I walk him out of town to a place I spent a lot of time growing up .. a place id lie in the sun in my teenage years with friends listening to music , smoking worries away. It was a little woodland area with a river and trees, flowers and rope swings. We walked through the wood carrying out shoes and socks. Feeling the dirt , the bark and the grass between our toes. We found a spot by the river and had our juice and snacks , then a paddle. My son absolutely in his element.. as was I. The fresh air .. the smell of the green surrounding us was pure heaven. We hardly ever go on spontaneous adventures like these anymore and I’m guilty of letting life get in the way sometimes of just letting go and doing something out of the ordinary like jumping on a bus and taking off… Just me and my son. I sat with my feet in the water , sun on my face , eyes closed listening to my son chuck stones into the river .. roaring with laughter at every ripple of the water .

Sometimes just a walk barefoot in the woods or the beach can make everything feel differently. All my stress and overwhelming feelings disappeared and I was left recharged with a feeling of calm and peace. I forget how therapeutic it is… Long or short walks in the wood or along the coast .. even through a feild .. just getting out the house and being in the outdoors is such a release. I need to do more of this with my son, on my own or with my partner. Sometimes I need to let go .. stop being so organized and just let it all to for a minute and reflect .. take a minute for myself and sit by a river.

Grateful

As I’m sitting in my bed this evening , windows open, the fresh air hitting my face in this heat.. my boy asleep in his bed at the end of the room and my new baby boys cot all prepared next to our bed I am filled with a overwhelming joy and peace. I could get used to this. Early evenings, candles , movies, cuddles with my boys. Watching them sleep in their beds beside eachother. Knowing I made these beautiful humans. In a house we made our own, a home we have put our all into, for our boys to grow up in for now, knowing we proved everyone wrong. We did it. Were living the good life. The family life. Our reckless living and loving in the past .. all of it gone and it’s been replaced with this peaceful, safe, easy, simple life. Where family and home is where it is all about. Watching our babies sleep , watching them grow up, learn new things , make new friendships and relationships. I know I talk about it a lot. But I’m so proud of us. My partner and myself. We are here. We made it, and it feels great! 🌱

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